Dieting Is For Losers (like me)

I've been dieting for the past 2 weeks & I've already lost 5 pounds.

So, this WHOLE time, instead of eating like a fatass, I could've been losing weight while doing nothing?! This is insanity & I will not partake in it!!!

Now, excuse me while I go contemplate my life failures & visit SoundCloud for the umpteenth time today.